Sunday, June 26, 2011

A case of swollen whimsey

   Today I was reading Lewis Carroll's Silvie and Bruno when someone near me used the phrase "hurt his pride." My nonsense-fueled thoughts came up with this, which would fit quite well into anything Carroll's written:

  You’ve heard people say “The only thing I hurt was my pride.” They don’t mean their pride was physically hurt, of course. But where I come from, that’s possible. We hurt our pride, our egos, our tempers. Why, just last week, a friend of mine fell off his bike and landed right on his temper. He hasn’t been able to get mad for days, and as a result, quite a few people have been borrowing money from him or breaking bad news. I haven’t, though. Stubbed my sense of opportunism the other day, and it still hasn’t quite recovered.
  In addition to physicals, we get ‘immaterials’.  The local hospital has an entire department for this sort thing. Operating on aspects of personality is tougher than brain surgery, and so I’m not quite clear of the specifics. Often there’s a waitlist, which you can be moved up if you provide a need. Say a man has severed his competitive spirit, but has a marathon approaching within the next few days. He would of course be rushed though. These reasons are vigorously inspected for authenticity, particularly those regarding such issues as fractured honesty.
  The black market can be a problem... It’s not uncommon for those who wander into the bad side of town to wake up in a tub of ice sans a sense of humor. They don’t take it well. Undergraduate students, too, surrender personality traits willingly, starting with those that won’t be needed by their occupation. Many a well-loved Mr. Rodgers-esque TV show host owes his amiability to a half-dozen equally successful lawyers.

The Dr Whooves picture

Found this on someone's tumblr. It's what the previously mentioned birthday card was copied from. Now you can all see the visual!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Dr Whooves

   Yesterday, while walking through the streets of Seattle, I found a hand-drawn birthday card. It was a manga style picture of a pony wearing a bowtie saying, "I'm a pony now! Ponies are cool!" It's mane looked like Matt Smith's hair. Also, after the Happy Birthday and OXOXOX, it was signed "Dr. Whooves."
   It was the best thing ever. I was going to post a picture online for all to see. But then it fell out of my back pocket, and it's probably floating in Lake Union right now. Which is the worst thing ever. I feel like Jonah, after God gives him a plant for shade and then whithers it up again. Such persecution.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Last Saturday, my family was on a camping trip for the weekend. We were hiking past a trail with a sign saying it led to "Grandma's Cove." Just then, three white-haired ladies hiked up it. 
I thought to myself that this was ironic, but then realized it was the opposite. Anti-irony. And a very good example of it: It makes so much sense that you don't expect it to. We've all adapted to an imperfect world in which the title "Grandma's Cove" is naturally assumed to have little or no correlation with the type of people who peruse it. When it turns out to have said correlation, we are surprised. It's irony and the opposite of irony at the same time. Someone should invent a word for this.

Cuss Island

I want to see a story about a pirate captain who forces all his men to put a piece of treasure in a "cuss chest" for each profanity or curse. When it’s full, they bury it on a tiny island they call Cuss Island. Legend has it that if one finds the right island, they’ll uncover a king’s ransom. But every piece is individually cursed by definition, and therefore a great pall hangs over it all.

Friday, June 10, 2011

A Snippet, part 2

"Contrary to popular belief, a male can occasionally use the term 'I love you' when referring to a member of the same sex. Two stipulations must be strictly adhered to, however. First, the two must be close friends. There is no definitive measurement for this, but a good rule of thumb for the speaker to keep in mind is a willingness to take a bullet for his friend.
Second, and perhaps most important of all, the phrase must always be followed by the word 'man.' (If at all possible, the emphasis should be on 'man' rather than on 'love' or 'you.') Failure to include this one word may easily result in the dissolution of the friendship in question."

Thursday, June 9, 2011

A Snippet

"Men, on the other hand, are complete opposites. The only occasion that could possibly bring one of them to tears would be a particularly violent decapitation, and even then, he wouldn't cry since his eyes would be missing by that point. Perhaps he would punch the air sadly."