Saturday, November 20, 2010

Hi Guys!

Hey You Guys Gif - Hey You Guys
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Past Versions of my Blog title

The Big Happy World of Confused People

My, You're Looking Happy Today

You Look Deranged, Deranged, Deranged, Happy, And Deranged.

It's getting harder to come up with titles that make a good joke when combined with the blog url.

Friday, November 19, 2010

25 facts about myself

1. I own close to a hundred copies of Vanilla Ice's autobiography (when I learned it was ghost-written by his manager Timmy Quon, I lost all interest in being a distributor).

2. In the seventh grade, I invented a new eating utensil called the "clingting". I ate every meal with it for four and a half years. It involved magnets.

3. On a dare, I once broke a window of a police car with my head, then blamed it on a homeless guy passed out in a gutter nearby and was awarded a medal.

4. Ever since I saw "The Neverending Story", I've felt that if ever I am truly needed, I will hear a book calling out to me. It's happened twice, and I've ignored it both times.

5. I used to be a vegetarian for moral reasons, but ever since a cow kicked my baby brother in the head I've switched to an all-beef diet. Those jerks deserve it.

6. I've never understood the lyrics to "U Can't Touch This". Is he talking about his suit? Maybe a immaterial concept, like liberty or irascibility.

7. My skills of imitation are inarguable. Once, I was mistaken for a chameleon by three zookeepers. They chased me for a quarter of an hour.

8. I can knit backwards.

9. I have studied lyrical dissonance for three years under the tutelage of Roman Van Duusker, the renowned lyricist. Later I found out that he was actually just the homeless guy getting his revenge on me, but that's life.

10. My theories on Atlantis and its relation to the modern vacuum cleaner have been published in five separate academic magazines and one anthology benefiting those affected by Typhoon Parma in the Philippines.

12. When I was 17, I was hired by as a consultant by a Belgian acrobat. It didn't last long, in part due to my slim grasp of the Dutch language.

13. While some people have an irrational fear of the number 13, and often skip it in the construction of buildings and such, my fear is of the number 11. I try not to use it.

14. I once developed an addition to nicotine patches, working my way up from the weakest to the strongest. In retrospect, this wasn't a good idea.

15. The only pet I've ever had was a mongoose. I feed him on grapefruit.

16. The feathers in my pillow breakdown after a few years of use, so I have now switched to using torn-up pages from autobiographies of Vanilla Ice.

17. January 2011 will mark the tenth anniversary of the last time I ate a banana.

18. Occasionally, if I haven't slept for 24 hours, I see dinosaurs out of the corner of my eye. But normally, I can catch a much better view.

19. I've been contacted to script TV shows based off of my life. Ratings were never very high, however, and after a particularly bad pilot involving an oil tanker and three rare species of bullfrog, I was banned from the Writers Guild of America.

20. I've broken a bone three times. Oddly, it belonged to the same person each time. He's now a close family friend due to the number of get-well-soon cards we've exchanged.

21. I like to tell people that I was involved in a jewel heist during my studies abroad in Africa. But I exaggerate a little; I did trip the criminal on his way out, but it was by accident.

22. My vast collection of candy wrappers is not the largest in the world, but it is the most clean.

23. I once saved a midget from a run-away steamroller while vacationing in New York. He is now my indentured servant (This is the reason my candy wrappers are so clean.)

24. My mongoose was once the suspect in a Murder in the Rue Morgue-esque police investigation. He was cleared, but to this day Police Sargent Ed McJohnston spends his off days staking out my house while muttering incoherently to himself.

25. In the Scottish-Australian community, I'm known as "Lucky".

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A Vignette

"Good authors too who once knew better words / Now only use four letter words"

    This quote from the musical Anything Goes shows a sad truth: four letter words are now the norm for entertainment. Even a PG-13 rating allows for one use of the ol' F word. This desensitization has destroyed the quaint comfort of movies, plays or novels of old. 
    But wait, says the admittedly theoretical intelligent modernist, aren't you forgetting something? If today's audiences are indeed "desensitized" to swear words, then any media that uses them rests within the certain level of "comfort" that you claim has been lost.
    Alright, we try to say, but the modernist goes on, eager to prove his point: This exposes your hypocrisy! Today's culture merely demonstrates an evolved version of the yesterday's comfort, and you all have failed to appreciate it due to your bias against progress!
    After calming our young dissenter, we attempt to reason with him. Sure, we gently explain, this desensitization has given us comfort with obscene or blasphemous phrases in today's world, but there is another issue at stake here. The impact that such evil words could carry in the past has all but petered out. Now that any children's show can use "oh my God" or "damn", it's hard to gain as much emotional impact when a serious Broadway drama uses an F-bomb. The comfort of the norm still exists, but since shock is the new comfort, there is nothing left to be the new shock. Our world of plays and books is now missing a color from its emotional palette, irreplaceably lost to the sands of time.
    This shuts the modernist up for a moment. But, still unaware that his intellect is of a size highly uncommon to those holding to his modernist views in real life, he strokes his artsy-goatee-studded chin and comes up with another objection.
     This shock incited by dirty words of the past, he says, you imply that it's a necessary part of the olden literature. But I believe your original argument was that such dirty words were never found back then. Are you changing your opinion?
    He sits back with a smug look which is difficult to make out, as the expression is indigenous to his type. He knows he has us now. We must either admit that we are wrong or else adopt a compromising view that swear words were not uncommon in the past. His thumbs are itching with the desire to update his Facebook status, via mobile phone, concerning his triumph over the fuddy-duddies of the past.
    But we are far from defeated.
    The point of the element of shock is to exist without actually appearing, we explain. The feeling of comfort is even more secure when we know that swear words could be used, but are not. This seems like a bit of a stretch to our modernist until we point out that a similar principle applies to his right to vote. At this point, he has little to do but fold.

Author's Note: I came up with that on a whim last night, and haven't edited it, so excuse any errors. I probably misused the term 'modernist' for one. Also, I apparently have an inner intelligent modernist.