Full vs. Empty

You may have heard that the pessimist calls a glass half empty while an optimist calls the same one half full. You may also know that the pragmatist calls it both and that the engineer calls the glass twice as large as it needs to be. But what does the mad scientist call it?

He calls it a source of unlimited water!


Note: The mad scientist may or may not being using false logic. They're a hasty bunch.

The Toughest Tongue Twister Ever

“The seething sea ceaseth and thus the seething sea sufficeth us.”

Big Orange Head

Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."
The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!
"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'
The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!
"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.

Puzzle

Imagine two quarters side by side on the table. If you keep one still while rotating the other one around it, with their edges touching (without slipping) the entire time, how many rotations will the moving quarter make?

The obvious answer is wrong, and using two quarters to figure it out is cheating.

‘Twas Euclid, and the theorem pi
Did plane and solid in the text,
All parallel were the radii,
And the ang-gulls convex’d.

“Beware the Wentworth-Smith, my son,
And the Loci that vacillate;
Beware the Axiom, and shun
The faithless Postulate.”

He took his Waterman in hand;
Long time the proper proof he sought;
Then rested he by the XYZ
And sat awhile in thought.

And as in inverse thought he sat
A brilliant proof, in lines of flame,
All neat and trim, it came to him,
Tangenting as it came.

“AB, CD,” reflected he–
The Waterman went snicker-snack–
He Q.E.D.-ed, and, proud indeed,
He trapezoided back.

“And hast thou proved the 29th?
Come to my arms, my radius boy!
O good for you! O one point two!”
He rhombused in his joy.

‘Twas Euclid, and the theorem pi
Did plane and solid in the text;
All parallel were the radii,
And the ang-gulls convex’d.

– Emma Rounds

Governments

cannonarchy – government by superior firepower
foolocracy – government by fools
neocracy – government by new or inexperienced rulers
pollarchy – government by the multitude or a mob
technocracy - government by scientists

http://tiny.cc/9qqu2

Gallows Humor

Last words of executed murderers:

• George Appel (1928): “Well, folks, you’ll soon see a baked Appel.”
• James W. Rodgers (1960): (asked for a last request) “Why, yes — a bulletproof vest.”
• Frederick Wood (1963): “Gentlemen, you are about to see the effects of electricity upon Wood.”
• James French (1966): “I have a terrific headline for you in the morning: ‘French Fries’.”
• Jimmy Glass (1987): “I’d rather be fishing.”

In 1856, English murderer William Palmer stood on the gallows and asked, “Are you sure it’s safe?”

-http://www.futilitycloset.com/2010/07/21/black-humor-2/

I just googled "RSVP"

I think one of the little facts of life is that you can google any random phrase and find a horror movie titled it.

Students of the World

I’ve come up with an analogy to describe the United States and its slipping prominence as a world power. I present it below:

America is like the popular kid in high school, and it’s almost time for graduation. He’s so chill that everyone likes him, but once he graduates, he can’t roll by on charm alone. The school geek, China, will probably take over.


To continue the analogy past the point of relevance, the jock is no doubt Russia, and China’s geeky pals are Korea and India. Canada is the cool older brother, and France is the hot senior girl. Mexico is the loud kid that no one likes but who demands acknowledgment.


If this were a TV show, I’d watch it. It could have so many hilarious political in-jokes, like America’s continuing health and energy issues. The plots could cover ancient history, like the fact that Iran legally changed his name from Persia in order to start a new life, or keep up with current events, with an episode about Egypt’s internet being down, perhaps due to Somali pirating too much.

And America’s the ultimate teenager. Sometimes you don’t know what state a teenager would be in, but this one’s got fifty states. And weight issues, too... come to think of it, maybe America should be female.

(sic)

On a Watch lost in a Tavern.

A Watch lost in a Tavern ? that's a Crime,

You know how men in drinking lose there time :

A Watch keeps time, and if time pass away.

There is small reason that the Watch should stay.

The key hung out, and you forgot to lock it,

Time scorns to be kept tame in any pocket.

Hereafter if you keep't, thus must you do,

Pocket your Watch, and watch your pockets too.

 

-“Humour, wit, and satire of the 17th century”