25 facts about myself

1. I own close to a hundred copies of Vanilla Ice's autobiography (when I learned it was ghost-written by his manager Timmy Quon, I lost all interest in being a distributor).

2. In the seventh grade, I invented a new eating utensil called the "clingting". I ate every meal with it for four and a half years. It involved magnets.

3. On a dare, I once broke a window of a police car with my head, then blamed it on a homeless guy passed out in a gutter nearby and was awarded a medal.

4. Ever since I saw "The Neverending Story", I've felt that if ever I am truly needed, I will hear a book calling out to me. It's happened twice, and I've ignored it both times.

5. I used to be a vegetarian for moral reasons, but ever since a cow kicked my baby brother in the head I've switched to an all-beef diet. Those jerks deserve it.

6. I've never understood the lyrics to "U Can't Touch This". Is he talking about his suit? Maybe a immaterial concept, like liberty or irascibility.

7. My skills of imitation are inarguable. Once, I was mistaken for a chameleon by three zookeepers. They chased me for a quarter of an hour.

8. I can knit backwards.

9. I have studied lyrical dissonance for three years under the tutelage of Roman Van Duusker, the renowned lyricist. Later I found out that he was actually just the homeless guy getting his revenge on me, but that's life.

10. My theories on Atlantis and its relation to the modern vacuum cleaner have been published in five separate academic magazines and one anthology benefiting those affected by Typhoon Parma in the Philippines.

12. When I was 17, I was hired by as a consultant by a Belgian acrobat. It didn't last long, in part due to my slim grasp of the Dutch language.

13. While some people have an irrational fear of the number 13, and often skip it in the construction of buildings and such, my fear is of the number 11. I try not to use it.

14. I once developed an addition to nicotine patches, working my way up from the weakest to the strongest. In retrospect, this wasn't a good idea.

15. The only pet I've ever had was a mongoose. I feed him on grapefruit.

16. The feathers in my pillow breakdown after a few years of use, so I have now switched to using torn-up pages from autobiographies of Vanilla Ice.

17. January 2011 will mark the tenth anniversary of the last time I ate a banana.

18. Occasionally, if I haven't slept for 24 hours, I see dinosaurs out of the corner of my eye. But normally, I can catch a much better view.

19. I've been contacted to script TV shows based off of my life. Ratings were never very high, however, and after a particularly bad pilot involving an oil tanker and three rare species of bullfrog, I was banned from the Writers Guild of America.

20. I've broken a bone three times. Oddly, it belonged to the same person each time. He's now a close family friend due to the number of get-well-soon cards we've exchanged.

21. I like to tell people that I was involved in a jewel heist during my studies abroad in Africa. But I exaggerate a little; I did trip the criminal on his way out, but it was by accident.

22. My vast collection of candy wrappers is not the largest in the world, but it is the most clean.

23. I once saved a midget from a run-away steamroller while vacationing in New York. He is now my indentured servant (This is the reason my candy wrappers are so clean.)

24. My mongoose was once the suspect in a Murder in the Rue Morgue-esque police investigation. He was cleared, but to this day Police Sargent Ed McJohnston spends his off days staking out my house while muttering incoherently to himself.

25. In the Scottish-Australian community, I'm known as "Lucky".